This is Me Typing: Part 7

hi internet

it me

hi I’m alive
SURPRISE!

ha

haha

…hi honey I’m home

sorry I’m almost 11 months late for dinner I love you thank you for waiting.

  • you look great by the way
  • ravishing

wowwwwwww I haven’t ranted at you on this platform at all since New Years.

  • remember that time I ignored you for almost a year my bad

Surprise! I’m still the worst

It’s nothing personal though, I swear.

It’s been a weird year dude. I don’t have any excuse other than that.

  • 2019 literally put my mind in a blender, froze it, thawed it out, and then smashed it into a bunch of itty bitty pieces and glued it all back together in a new fun way
    • I can honestly say I’m kind of happy with the results of this mental mutilation/reconstruction though??? Time did a cool thing …a really really convoluted and long drawn out but ultimately wonderful thing

In summary… I finally figured out what I’m doing with my life kind of.

  • I know what you may be thinking
    • is that.. a spark of joy.. in my tone?? happiness?? hmm???
      • I know right wtf
      • idk I’m also confused but it’s awesome so I’m not questioning it and neither should you so let’s just go with it and see what happens

Allow me to explain in further detail. 

The last time we spoke on WordPress was in January of 2019.

  • remember that time I got pick-pocketed?
    • yeah that time
      • …when a strange man (who I picture as being bald and having an extremely unkempt mustache) unzipped my bag like a damn evil magician and made my phone disappear along with all of my writing and lists and hopes and dreams and passwords
    • it was great. good times. memories <3

So long story short my life fell apart from that point on for like a second.

If you read This Is Me Typing: Part 6, you may recall a moment in which I told you I turned into a dragon. 

  • …that was the first time I met that side of myself. I’ve decided to name her Kirsten. She is the worst
    • the name choice is a long story, dating back to 3rd grade. No time to talk about that right now though, pay attention
      • I’ll tell you when you’re older

So yeah life kind of did an interpretive dance (whilst throwing my brain into a blender, as described above ^)

  • I have no idea where to start in terms of telling you about the events that followed this unfortunate series of events 
  • I think the most practical way to go about it is to attempt to craft a simple timeline. I will try to make it as linear as possible. 
    • but I am skilled in neither practicality nor linearity so I’m sorry in advance

So here’s basically what occurred in 2019:

January

sigh. We don’t need to go over this again. You know what happened. Kirsten happened and my brain became a smoothie

  • … BUT what I have yet to mention is that January actually did include a very CRITICAL point on this timeline that inevitably led to my current joyous state of mind 
    • SO THE STRIFE WAS NECESSARY FOR ME TO GET TO WHERE I AM NOW
      •  awh
      • classic wholesome chaos doing its thing for the benefit of my well-being. That’s nice to think about
  • anyway so I was pretty much at the peak of my wtf-am-I-doing-with-my-life-rn-I-don’t-have-a-purpose” phase, right?
    • …so I decided to apply to grad school
      • as one does
      • (SPOILER ALERT I GOT ACCEPTED but pretend I didn’t just tell you because I want this timeline’s event/emotion ratio to have a nice dramatic crescendo)

February

okay plot twist I moved to Colorado for two months.

  • random yes I know
    • didn’t see that comin’ did ya? HA
      • …unless you follow me on Instagram, then you were very much aware of my absence in the New York land for a little bit because I spammed you with:

How did this happen, you ask???

  • … well
    • it turns out that apartments without windows are a super duper no no for mental and physical health
    • so my roommates and I got out of our lease, it was great
    • but then I was homeless until my new lease started in April
      • so my dad was like hey let’s go live on a mountain for 2 months it’ll be fun and I was like ok cool

March

SURPRISE I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL

  • you bet your cute booty that I’m getting a Master’s in creative writing poetry. Shout out to The New School MFA program
    • heck yeah
    • I’m very proud of myself, I’m not gonna lie
      • this is a very weird thing to type for me but I’m so into it

The moment I found out about my acceptance was so pure and blissful I will never forget it.

  • lemme paint the scene for you: 
    • I was waiting for a bus in Aspen while sitting on a bench with my snowboard (her name is Frieda)
      • and THEN, as I was casually checking my emails like a good productive human, BOOM an email from The New School appeared and I was like holyshitholyshitholyshit
        • and then I clicked on that email
        • and then I screeched with joy and startled the nice couple sitting next to me on that bench
          • but they were very understanding. I told them I got into grad school and then they cheered with me and it was honestly so heartwarming
          • and THE BEST PART of my encounter with this couple was that the lady was like “hey I also went to The New School!!” and then we were like omg and we hugged
            • universe stuff man
            • frikin universe

April

Alas, my time in Colorado had to come to an end.

  • I still watch my Instagram story highlight about it sometimes to pretend I’m still there
    • it’s a little trippy though
      • because when I’m watching it I can’t help but be like wow that was an entirely different life
        • but it wasn’t really that long ago at all
          • but it feels so far away wtf time is so confusing
          • I’m uncomfortable
          • but I also feel happy
          • I don’t understand 
          • what is happening 
          • help

Anyway I moved back to New York, and now I live with my best friend and two cats.

  • if you’ve been following this blog since its youth (bless you), you may or may not remember a particular kitten who featured on my Instagram frequently.
    • A little boy by the name of Stuart lived in my house for a couple of months my senior year of college. Stuart is a man now.
    • The other cat is Mishka (Russian for Micheal)
      • I have a cat named Micheal
        • I like this sentence a lot

 

May

yeah I didn’t really exist in this month actually.

In retrospect I probably should have written this blog post then. I literally had nothing else to do. My job hadn’t started yet and I didn’t have a purpose and I was just a sad lil slug okay don’t you judge me (I know you’re not, I love you)

It is worthy of noting though that I did in fact START drafting this post in April. I’ve been avoiding it ever since because of who I am as a person

  • 🙂

 

June

This month was also boring. I had a job though so that was cool.

  • money is cool
  • buying food is also cool
    • yay for nourishment

Honestly I think I spent most of my time in June complaining about how time was too slow. I wanted to fast forward to August and start school immediately. 

  • I never thought I’d ever say that. Nice

 

July

This month was wholesome af. I spent a lot of time with my family at the beach, which was beautiful

  • … because if I’m being real, the two summers before this one I kinda sucked fundamentally
    • I had been so preoccupied and stressed out by my lack of purpose and direction in life that I convinced myself I had absolutely no time to do anything other than sit in my room and think about how I’m a human garbage bag.
      • I wasted a lot of precious time that could have been spent sitting with my grandmother looking at a sunset or something. I’m still very sad about that.

So lesson learned. Time with family is sacred. Cherish that shit dude.

  • seriously

 

August

😊 I started grad school and somehow underwent metamorphosis and turned into a functioning human being with concrete goals and POSITIVE SELF ESTEEM

  •  even my parents were confused/concerned
    • during orientation, I was on the phone with them and they were like Kira you sound too happy it’s borderline frightening what is going on 
      • purpose and motivation are literally drugs, kids.
  • I happy cried in a lecture hall during the first week of classes it was fantastic

 

September

Life started kicking me in the booty and I’m a huge fan of it.

  • school + two part time jobs + internship = NO TIME TO CONFUSE BOREDOM FOR DEPRESSION amirite lol

So yeah I’ve been super busy and I love it.

  • been writing lots of things
  • been reading lots of things
    • (it is very important to read stuff not written you. It’s easy to forget that sometimes)
  • been feeling lots of things
  • been making lots of writer friends
    • I hope these humans will be in my life for the remainder of eternity. They are indeed my people
      • idc if that sounds dramatic
      • I’m a poet that’s what I do
        • I’m dramatic and I feel things too deeply
          • as a rule

It’s amazing how being surrounded by like-minded individuals inspires you to be the best version of yourself

  • God that sounds disgustingly cliche it’s aMAzING

These friends are helping me gain confidence in regards to identifying myself as a “poet”

All I know is that I have this picture of a “poetess” in my head – she wears fancy pashmina scarves and sips tea all day on an elevated surface while judging people for fun. That’s just me being over-thinky though. If you’ve typed that label in your own bio, don’t let my remarks dull your sparkle. Keep doin’ your thang, friend. Ignore me. I’m just rambling. I’m so annoying, ikr. I wish I owned a fancy pashmina, tbh. Maybe subconsciously I just don’t think I’m worthy of one yet and therefore I’m being judgmental as a defense mechanism. idk. I’m sorry. I love you

  • …WELL I’M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE I own a pashmina now and I wear it quite often, it is practical and also aesthetically pleasing. 
    • BUT I still refuse to ever put #poetess in my bio on any platform
      • and if I do, promise me you’ll block me. Save me from myself. I need to be put in social media time out
        • go stand in the corner, etc.

October

hi

  • here we are
  • just the two of us
  • fancy meeting you here
  • you’re great

 

Okay I think that just about covers everything. This summary of 2019 has come to an end.

We are here in the now. You smell nice.

I don’t want to type too much more because I want you to read this whole blog post and I know you have things to do people to see enemies to defeat etc etc.

but BEFORE I GO I have some brief updates for you (housekeeping notes, if you will)

  • UPDATE #1 – Remember that time I started a YouTube channel? Yeah never mind
    • here’s the thing
      • in case you have not noticed (lol) I tend to bite off more than I can chew. I think I’ve explained this to you many many times. I’m trying to change this aspect of my personality but damn it is difficult
        • sometimes when I get excited about something, there’s this snowball effect that happens and I make all these plans and then I plummet into the void and accomplish nothing
      • I am indeed a perfectionist. When I want to do something I will fixate on that particular something until I master it. This year has had many ups and downs
        • when I’m up, I feel like there’s simply no time to fixate on learning how to make good videos
        • … and when I’m down, there’s simply no time to exist and everything is on fire
      • You see my dilemma? One day I will perhaps go down that rabbit hole and come back out with beautiful high quality content. But for now, I don’t want to settle for “eh” level videos just for the sake of throwing them at you
        • you deserve better than that, honey
    • So yeah, if you go back to the blog posts in which I told you about this alleged channel, you’ll notice that the links to any original videos I uploaded will just send you to my Instagram.
      • I post videos on there. Go watch those. I approve of those.
  • UPDATE #2 – You may also recall that I used to publish some poems on Vocal Media. I don’t really like those anymore but you can still look at them if you want to. It’s weird how you outgrow yourself.
    • So on that note, I’m currently in the midst of submitting to literary journals. The consistency of rejection is seeping into my soul
      • One of my teachers at school recently talked about being thankful for rejections; referring to them as “opportunities to form callouses.”
        • trrrruuuuuuu I’m becoming numb to the burn and I will not give up hope. I will continue to throw my work at various editors until one of them deems me worthy of publication
    • If you’ve read my poetry and know of any weird journals/magazines looking for submissions HIT ME UP
      • Recently after one of my shows, a nice human told me they thought my work was “tastefully neurotic” and it was the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me and I think about that when I’m sad
  • UPDATE #3 – I recently learned that Barnes and Noble sells my book.
    • I legit didn’t know that until I casually googled my book the other day out of sheer curiosity to see how it’s been doing because tbh I’ve been a horrible mom and have not really been keeping up with its daily life.
    • also someone is selling my book for 85 dollars on some weird website.
      • wtf
      • bro
        • WHO ARE YOU
        • SHOW YOURSELF

 

I think I’m done typing now.

Thank you for coming back to this website after I ignored it for almost a year. You’re my favorite person on the planet and I do not deserve your eyeballs and yet HERE THEY ARE. READING THESE WORDS. wow. 

I just wanna type this one more time.. I am the happiest I’ve ever been and I don’t know how to say that without feeling weird about it. I’m still getting used to it.

Seriously though, confidence is legitimately a drug and I am terrified of myself right now. I could punch a dragon and I feel like it’d say thank you.

I’m excited to chat again on this platform. When will that be? I have no idea. 2020? Perhaps. Sometime again in 2019? The opportunities are endless. So mysterious. omg

Love you

Have a great rest of your year, you beautiful creature.

– Kira

© Kira Stevens, Words4Food 2019

FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM OR I’LL CRY: @words4food

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